I'm Not Perfect, But I Keep Trying
by Demi Brackensick
Summary: Mulan has regrets about herself. Ever since her marriage with Shang, Mulan finds herself constantly bickering and fighting with Shang. Can the two be able to resolve their issues and go back to the way things were between the two? Or will the two end up breaking apart for good? ONE-SHOT


**A little one-shot I decided to do between Mulan and Shang. I do not own the song or any of the characters. Anyways, enjoy!**

**I'm not Perfect…but I keep trying**

_***Mulan's POV***_

It was the middle of the afternoon, a warm sunny day, the chickens outside of their pens, and of course my good horse, Khan was enjoying a nice afternoon nap, the rest of the little kids in our small village were out enjoying a day of fun, soaking up the sun, receiving a good source of Vitamin D. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves on this beautiful day, all except one, and that person was of course, Me.

I was currently locked inside my small house, my eyes staring out the stained glass window as a deep sigh escaped through my lips, hugging my knees to my chest. Things around this house have been somewhat hectic and stressful. I guess maybe it was the fact that myself and my newlywed husband, Shang, have been at each other's throats for the past three weeks, constantly fighting and bickering with one another. Ever since we began our new life together, we always seem to find something to argue about, whether the fight is over a little spill of tea on the floor or a gigantic mess all around the farm, every little thing that happens, we always fight, screaming and yelling at each other, which would most of the times lead us into sleeping in separate rooms, with Shang camping out in the living room and myself in our big king sized bed, alone, crying myself to sleep silently.

The week after our wedding, things were beginning to start off well between us; the both of us would always ride off on our horses together, laughing with one another, wrapped in each other's arms and such. But unfortunately after that week had passed, things began to go downhill, I felt as though my world was beginning to come tumbling down and of course, that's when World War 3 started between Shang and me. Another deep sigh escaped from my mouth, a sad sigh. Lately, I've been feeling more and more depressed every day. I can't help but get the strong feeling that I'm not the perfect wife for such a great man like Shang. Every time we argue, I see this look in his eyes, a look that is full of regret; regret that he even married a woman like me, which caused knots to form inside my stomach, a painful knot. I know I'm not perfect, heck, no one on earth is perfect, which is what I keep trying to tell myself, so why don't I feel any better? Usually, I'm not the type of person; in this case woman for that matter, to cry over a man, or let his words hurt me, but lately, that hasn't been the case for me when it came to dealing with Shang. Every time we fight, I feel as though I'm about to lose him, losing him for good, which I couldn't let happen, because, I loved him with all my heart.

As much as his words hurt deeply, leaving emotional scars inside of me, I still loved him. I cared about him. I would do everything in my power to be a good wife to him, but somehow, the harder I try, the more it becomes a complete disaster, and the more angry he gets with me. Just thinking about this, tears begin to slowly fall from my eyes as I sniffle, burying my face in my hands and begin to cry silently. As much as I loved him, I'm starting to wonder, does he still love me? Does he hate me? Does he regret marrying a woman like me, a woman who's so clumsy, a woman who would much rather train as a soldier instead of staying cooped up inside the house, cleaning and cooking like a regular housewife does? Does Shang think of me as….not perfect? I needed answers, bad. I miss feeling his strong arms wrapped around me, I missed his lips upon mine, and I missed when he would always tell me that he loved me. I missed hearing his voice; I missed everything we had before things became difficult.

_Falling a thousand feet per second, you still take me by surprise_

_I just know we can't be over, I can see it in your eyes_

_Making every kind of silence, takes a lot to realize_

_It's worse to finish than to start all over and never let it die_

_And as long as I can feel you holding on_

_I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong_

About a three nights ago, night had fallen and every single person in the village was sound asleep, sleeping peacefully, letting the sounds of the soft murmuring crickets putting them to rest soundly after a day's hard work. Everything and everyone was quiet, all except for one house in particular, and of course, the sounds of yelling and screaming echoing out of the windows belonged to us. It was that time when Shang and I were yet again, at each other's throats, not giving a care in the world if we'd awaken the villagers from their sleep. It was the time where I had decided that I wanted to re-join the army, but of course to him, I was going against his wishes, his wishes and pleas for me to stay put at home, but I refused. Out of all nights, this night had to be the worse, it was the time where I would never forget what happened, never forget a single word that was being said.

"Why are you so against me re-joining the army?" I complained, yelling as I stomp my foot against the hardwood ground underneath my feet, only to have Shang clench his fists by his sides, trying to prevent himself from blowing up at me.

"Because, you're my wife! And plus it's my job to protect you!" He had yelled back at me through gritted teeth. I groaned in frustration, beginning to pace back and forth as I heard a deep sigh escape from his mouth.

"Why can't you just act like a normal wife?" He shouted at me. "A wife who stays at home and cooks and cleans the house? Why is that so hard for you to do?" He yelled continuously clenching his fists by his sides.

"Oh so in order for me to _act _like a normal wife, you want me to serve over a hot stove and keep me locked inside the house like a dirty slave? Is that you want from me?" I shouted back and at this point, tears began to well up in my eyes. How dare he say something like that to me! So to be perfect and _normal _wife, I have to obey his orders and fulfill his need just to keep him satisfied? He knows how I feel about the whole being submissive to a man's needs thing, he knows me, I know deep down he does, but for some reason, he chooses to ignore my feelings, have complete control over my life.

"You know that's not what I meant entirely, but-!" He began, only to have me instantly cut him off.

"That still doesn't give you the excuse to say something like that to me, Shang! You know how I feel about that kind of stuff!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, my breathing was quickening, tears were racing down my cheeks one by one.

"Mulan, for once can you ever think about anyone else but yourself?" He screamed, his voice roaring as he whipped around so quickly that it nearly startled me, his angry eyes boring into mine, my lips were quivering but I did my best to prevent myself from bursting into a heavily sob, my eye brows were still knit tightly together, scowling up at him.

"Why are you doing this to me, Shang? Why are you constantly down my throat about everything or anything I do?" I demanded, yelling at him, my voice sounding hoarse from all the yelling and screaming and much to my surprise, a loud groan escaped from his mouth as he threw his head back, screaming in anguish, throwing his hands and digging his nails deep into his scalp when all of a sudden and out of nowhere, his strong hands gripped around my upper arms, tightening his grasp around my arms as I tried to desperately pull myself out of his strong hands, trying my best to fight him as I pushed my hands against his chest, which caused his hands to grip tighter around my arms, as I let out a soft yelp in pain.

"Shang let go of me…..please…" I begged desperately, trying my hardest to release myself from his grip.

"No! You're going to listen to me for once!" He spat harshly. "What is with you? Why do you always have to carry on like this?" He yelled as I turned my head away from him, my eyes landing on the hardwood floor beneath my bare feet, trying my best to tear my gaze away from his angry eyes.

"Because it's who I am, Shang! You always criticize me for every little thing I do and you always act so cold and harsh towards me!" I yelled back and at this point, his grips around my arms loosened as he let me go, turning away from me angrily and in disgust, his breathing was quickening, trying his hardest to keep his cool as I rolled my tear filled eyes in annoyance, couldn't help but feeling somewhat insulted at his reaction to my answer.

"Is who I am not good enough for you, Shang?" I demanded, screaming at him and to my surprise, he quickly whipped around, his angry and furious eyes meeting mine, as he opened his mouth to say the most devastating thing that left me breathless and speechless.

"No it's not! Ever since we got married, you've been nothing but selfish and thoughtless, only caring about yourself and deliberately going against my wishes! You know what; maybe this whole marriage was a mistake!" He screamed at the top of his lungs, his voice roaring and echoed throughout our small home. Upon hearing this, I immediately shut my mouth, pressing my lips tightly together, preventing my lips from quivering and shaking, more tears had escaped my eyes as huge knots began to form inside of my stomach, my heart shattering to a million pieces. The two of us remained silent, our eyes staring into each other's, his angry ones boring into my teary ones and that's when I saw the glimpse of regret in his eyes, every single one of his words cut like a sharp knife, seeping with strong and painful acid. I put my head down in shame, my gaze on my bare feet as I slowly lifted my head, staring up at him helplessly, opening my mouth to speak.

"I-is that how you…..a-always felt…since we got married….?" I stammered, my voice shaking as he closed his mouth and turned away, staring out the window into the moonlit night, completely ignoring my question. At this point, I couldn't hold it in anymore no matter how hard I tried.

"Maybe this marriage…..was a mistake…Shang" I whispered, my words caused my insides to sting. "I hope you and your next wife will be happy together" And with that, I raced out of the room, with Shang's back still turned towards me, not making the slightest move or acknowledging the fact that I had just ran out of the room in tears. I raced inside into the warm moonlit night, finding my way into the barn as I dropped to my knees, buried my face in my hands as I began to sob uncontrollably, hearing every one of Shang's cold and harsh words echo through my head, crouching my body into a fetal position, laying in the warm and prickly hay, my face completely stained with tears. It deeply killed me inside to hear that, I mean Shang does say some hurtful things to me, but what he said back there hurt the most, never in my life has ever said anything so cruel like that to me. But maybe he was right, maybe we aren't right for each other, but I loved him. I love him with all my heart and the thought of seeing him with another woman killed me, I couldn't breathe without him with me, despite the fact that we always fight and bicker with one another.

I remained in the barn for over an hour, as I slowly lifted my body, beginning to feel the cool air seep into the barn and blanket my warm body as I slowly got up from the ground, wrapping my arms around myself as I slowly stomped my way back inside the house, keeping my head down. The candle in the bedroom was already blown out, which meant Shang was probably asleep, the curtain was closed. I made no attempt or even the slightest effort to make my way into the bedroom that we shared, not after what had happened. I grabbed the warm blanket that was folded on the small chair as I lay my body against the warm cushiony couch, shielding the warm blanket over me completely, laying my head against the pillow with my puffy eyes still remaining open, that night, was the first night I ever cried myself to sleep.

_I'm not perfect, but I keep trying_

'_Cause that's what I said I would do from the start_

_I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave_

_Was it something I said or just my personality?_

A few weeks had past, and Shang I have not said a word to each other, not even a single syllable or any type. Instead, we remained in separate rooms most of the times, avoiding the slightest bit of eye contact with one another. Dinner and breakfast was silent amongst the two of us. There was one time where I had awaken early, with the warm sun bouncing off my face, as I got up and headed to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast, with the traditional Chinese tea that we were required to have every morning and to my surprise, Shang had entered, not saying a word to me as he was dressed in his uniform to attend a meeting with the other Generals. I managed to catch a glimpse of him at the when he wasn't looking, staring longingly at him, wishing he would at least say something to me or even look at me but instead, he ignored me completely.

I had the courage to suck in a deep breath as I opened my mouth to speak. "Good morning" I said sheepishly, lifting up his head, glaring at me, the look in his eyes tearing my insides apart, not saying a single word to me as he looked down and continued sipping his tea, my eyes beginning to well up but the tears didn't dare escape from my eyes. Breakfast again was very quiet, the two of us were slowly digging into our small meal, and with that, he got up from the table, grabbed his helmet and made his way out of the house without even a single word, my eyes boring into his back desperately, as I watched him ride his horse off to town, my arms crossed over my chest. As soon as the sounds of the hooves clicking into the ground had faded, I slowly lifted myself from the cushion that I kneeled on, making my way into the bedroom as I collapsed onto the bed, burying my face into the pillow and once again, began to sob.

_Making every kind of silence, is a lot to realize_

_It's worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie_

_And as long as I can feel you holding on_

_I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong_

I remained sitting at the window sill, my eyes continuously roaming over the calming and relaxing view of the cherry blossoms falling so delicately from the trees, tears still spilled down my cheeks, but I was able to wipe them away, lifting myself up off the window and heading into the kitchen to prepare dinner, any minute, Shang would arrive home, expecting to find a nice home cooked meal from his long day of training.

I prepare dinner silently, just about finished when I hear the sudden sound of the horse whining from outside, signalling the Shang had just arrived home, instantly, my body began to tense up, my insides were shaking from nerves, nerves of me having to face Shang and once again, be exposed to all uncomfortable and painful silence. It wasn't long until I heard the sound of his heavy footsteps entering inside, slowly lifting my head to gaze at him desperately, and trying my hardest to search for any word or syllable I could think of, only to have the words caught deep inside my throat, not being able to say anything. To my surprise, his cold eyes met mine, the two of us gazing at each other uncomfortably, his head nodding a 'hello' as he took his seat across the table, kneeling down as I quietly and nervously brought the food. After a few minutes, things were still quiet, the two of us sitting in uncomfortable silence as we ate our meal slowly, not making eye contact with one another.

I tried my hardest to hold back my tears, the constant silence for the past few weeks had been killing me deeply inside, swallowing and consuming me all at the same time, and it was far too much stress to handle. I missed hearing his voice, his arms wrapped around me in a passionate embrace, I mean, we've only made love once, and that was one our wedding night, and ever since then, everything had slowly began to change, from great to worse. Uncomfortable silence continued to fill the air, and finally, I decided I couldn't take the silence anymore, I couldn't hold back the tears, slamming the teapot hard against the table as I shot up from the cushion and stomped my way into our bedroom, aware that Shang's gaze was glued to my back.

_When you're caught in a lie and you've got nothing to hide_

_When you've got nowhere to run and you've got nothing inside_

_It tears right through me, though that you knew me_

_You though that you knew_

I slipped inside past the curtains as I plopped myself onto the bed, tears were spilling down my cheeks as I buried my face into my hands and began crying silently, not wanting Shang to overhear me sobbing from the living kitchen. I hated fighting with him, I hated seeing him so angry at me, not talking to me, looking at me or even touching me, I felt like a complete stranger to him who was forced share part of his home. It wasn't long until I heard the sound of footsteps making their way down the hall and instantly appearing into the bedroom, inching closer and closer towards the large bed where I was currently sitting and crying, feeling mattress slowly sink underneath me as he shifted his weight onto the bed right next to me, I could feel his gaze looking me over carefully, a rush of guilt forming inside of him. I expected him to just sit there and continue glaring down at but instead and much to my surprise, I felt his strong arms wrap around my shoulders, his other hand reaching and gently lifting up my legs, swooping me up and lifting me onto his lap, his arms still wrapped around me as I buried my face in his chest, my hands still covering my now tear stained face. I felt as he slowly peeled my hands from my face, my head still remained in his chest, his big hands cupping either sides of my face as he lifted my head to look at him, my vision blurred with salty liquid as I felt his lips softly kiss my tears away, melting into every warm and soft kiss he gave me, enjoying his touch. Finally, I looked up at him, his hands still cupping my cheeks.

"Shang….I-I know I'm not perfect….but I love you so much and….I-I don't want to lose you." I confessed, my voice shaking, stammering as more tears spilled down my face. "I-I'm sorry that I'm not the perfect wife you deserve" At this point, I was sobbing into his chest, with him wrapping his arms around me tighter as he kissed the top of my head, his fingers stroking through my hair lovingly, his touch was comforting. It wasn't long until he gently pulled me from his chest to look at him, his eyes were full of regret, regret for what's he done, regret for every harsh and cold word that he said to me.

_I'm not perfect, but I keep trying_

'_Cause that's what I said I would do from the start_

_I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave_

_Was it something I said or just my personality?_

"Mulan, I love you so much, but just because we may fight or say hurtful things to each other, doesn't mean that I've stopped loving you" He confessed. "I'm truly sorry for the things I've said to you, I never meant to hurt you so badly" He whispered, leaving soft kisses on my forehead, which was bringing me comfort as I slowly closed my eyes shut, enjoying his kisses, letting them sweep me off my feet.

For about a few minutes, there was silence between us, his forehead resting against mine while his hand played with my silky hair, and before I knew it, I found my lips crashing against his as he returned and deepened the kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck, my hand in his hair as we both shared a passionate kiss with one another, one that was full of love and hunger, hungry for the love that we've been craving for such a long time between one another.

Next thing I knew, I found myself being lifted off the bed as Shang stood with me still in his arms, his hands finding my legs and hoisting me up higher into his arms, my legs wrapped tightly around his waist, his tongue found mine as they both danced with one another. It wasn't long until I found myself on the bed again, with Shang climbing on top of me as he started undoing my robe, untying the knot and slowly opening it, pretty soon, my robe had disappeared completely from my body as it was thrown across the floor, leaving me completely exposed in front of my General, as he too slowly began to remove his uniform from his body, the both of us completely exposed to one another for the first time since our wedding night.

He blanketed his bare body with mine as his lips found mine; claiming them in a soft, yet hungry kiss, while my hands caressed his face, trailing down his jaw and behind his ears, pulling away from my mouth as his lips began to leave soft kisses down my neck, trailing my collarbone while his hands were slowly gently rubbing against my stomach, which caused to chills to run up my spine as a soft moan and a small whimper escaped through my lips, closing my eyes shut as I was enjoying every sweet moment, letting all my neglect and pain melt away.

After a few minutes, Shang slowly lifted his head as his eyes met mine, holding himself up by his hands, his body was between my legs as I reached up to stroke his face lovingly, lifting myself up to kiss him softly, his lips trailing down my body once again, until I felt them land on my bright pink scar as he kissed it softly, the scar I had received during the war where Shan-Yu had deeply slashed my stomach with his sword, thankfully the large gash had healed, leaving a bright pink scar across to form on my small stomach. He made his way up and his lips found mine again for a final time, until I felt his hips against mine, his eyes roaming over me, begging for me to give him the okay to proceed. He merely grasped his hand with mine, our fingers entwining together as I smiled softly, closing my eyelids shut as he slowly entered inside of me, as the two of us engaged in the act of love-making for the first time since our wedding night, our voices mixing together, enjoying and soaking up every sweet moment we had together, showing each other how much we deeply loved and missed being with one another, both emotionally and physically.

_I'm not perfect, but I keep trying_

'_Cause that's what I said I would do from the start_

_I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave_

_Was it something I said or just my personality?_

0-0-0

It was around 2:00am in the morning, the two of us lying together in bed, wrapped each other's arms, with my head lying upon his chest bare chest, as soft smile spread across my face, listening to the sound of his soft heartbeat that was slowly beating from inside his chest. Last night was perfect, the most amazing time we spent together in such a long time, our pain fading away and disappearing into the passionate love that we had made, which brought us closer, the both of us wanting to be with no one but each other. As my eyelids slowly lifted opened, I found my eyes wandering curiously out through the window, looking at the bright white stars that stared back at me, and slowly lifting my head to see my General sleeping so peacefully, my smile still plastered on my face as I leaned up to give him a soft kiss upon on his lips, my hands rubbing his chest as I lay my head back down, enjoying listening to rhythm of his heartbeat. He was mine, and after this night, we were forever bound to one another. I opened my mouth to whisper.

"I love you" I whispered contently as I shut my eyelids closed.

"I love you more, I always have and I always will" I heard him whisper softly in his sleep as I felt his finger stroke my hair lovingly, as I sighed in content, falling into a deep sleep.

**I hope you guys liked my little one-shot and this was my first time writing an intimate scene, since I have never written one before, anyways I hope you guys enjoyed this! As mentioned before, I DO NOT own the song or the lyrics!**


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